Temptingthefates’s Weblog

The other night on the news there was a hubbub that was causing quite a stir in the bar, and it forced me to occasionally pull my nose out of the pint of Guinness I was gradually hibernating in.  Seems the people of Arkansas (and apparently much of the rest of the nation) were “havin’ themselves an election” as the jovial gent next to me colorfully put it.  And amongst all the pretty flashing lights I kept seeing the same question: “How has the Bush Factor affected voters’ decisions this election?”  An interesting query, to be sure, though far less so once I was informed by the equally stupefied gent next to me that “Bush” was, in fact, the name of the current President of this here conglomeration of somewhat interconnected nation-states.

“You don’t say!” I exclaimed, fashionably drooling in an effort to attract the many members of the opposite sex hovering about my general vicinity, “And here I thought that was one of George Carlin’s seven words you can’t say on television!”  Twat.  I was informed that I was actually thinking of the colorful single-meaning ‘twat’, and not the rather un-enjoyable half-whispered (perhaps due to its origin of being whispered between seventh-grade males in English class) multiple-meaning ‘bush’ that I had often considered far more crude in common parlance.  Twat vs. Bush?  A crime…sheer crime.  Bloody FCC.

But then I knew what must happen in this state of affairs: someone as blissfully unaware of the state of things as me, either because of or in spite of their frequent consumption of legal drugs, must be located by these reporters and answer this question…

Reporter: “Sir, sir, excuse me!  Can I ask you a question about today’s election?”

Random Yee-hoo: “Uh, election?  Yeah, sure, but I have only 15 minutes left in happy hour…”

Reporter:  “Sir, would you say that the so-called ‘Bush factor’ played a large role in your voting decisions today?”

Tipsy McStagger: “Ah…the ‘Bush’ factor you say?  Hmmm…yeah, that’s a good question, well, come to think of it, there really isn’t anything I decide on that doesn’t take into consideration the effect of bush of me, or of me on bush.”

Reporter: “Would you say that is something new to this election cycle, or did you have similar considerations in 2004 and before?”

Vomitus Expelliamus: “Hmmm, probably all of the time back to around 1989 when I turned 14 years old, from then on I would say my decisions in life have taken the bush factor into high consideration, it become a priority in fact, in most areas of my existence.”

Reporter: “Hmmm, yes, well, so you are saying that you even consider the first Bush in your considerations?  Wow, even at fourteen you were that interested in politics, prior to voting I mean, very inspirational.”

Hugh Janis: “Well, I suppose I do consider the first bush, in the sense that it became a motivational factor in pursuing all the bushes since, though truly that wasn’t until I was closer to eighteen…eh, such is the way of things.”

Reporter: “So, as you say, you ‘pursued’ the Bushes?  Were you a supporter of the current President even before he was governor?  And would you support future Bushes in their pursuit of political offices?”

Jimmy ‘Strap on that Jammy’ Pac: “President?  Governor?  I don’t know about all that, but I certainly consider bush when I choose where to drink, to travel, to breath, really…I hope that answers your question.  Now I’ve got to go!  Pabst are only 50 cents a mug for another ten minutes!”

Reporter: “So there you have it, a truly devoted politically-minded member of the populace.  I think we can all take a lesson from such an upstanding citizen and…and…{head explodes} 

And so concludes this idea, flawed as it may be.

In the end, one can only conclude that election night has never been so much fun since one could ask another in all seriousness, “would you Dukakis?” 

Oh yes, presidential sexual humor…truly what sets us apart.

Wait… President Twat?  Anaximander Ulysses Twat?  He’s got my vote.