List of characters:
Professor Shortpants
Gamblor the Almighty
Didi the Frazzled Misogynist
Tybalt the Not Stolen from a More Famous Play
Umbro the Nonexistent
Deus Ex Machina the Conveniently Convenient
Stan
Act I: Scene I
Frozen food section of the local Wal-Mart
(In this scene Professor Shortpants and Didi the Frazzled Misogynist, recently married, are shopping for chocolate and diapers, not necessarily to be used together)
Professor Shortpants: “I say we simply get one of each product and combine them in the blender to find which will produce desirable taste-combinations.”
Didi the Frazzled Misogynist: “I don’t see why we would want to do that, besides, don’t you realize that I can hardly look at diapers while the seething hatred of women I carry could boil over my carefully controlled exterior at any moment, without warning?!”
Prof. SP: “Yes, but…you are a woman Didi…”
Didi the FM: “True, but the playwright wrote me in to be a misogynist without really thinking about how that would affect our consequent relationship. Not my fault really, as I also happen to be Frazzled with a capital F.”
Prof. SP: “Well, I received no such moniker, so count yourself lucky, but I suppose the title of Professor will have to suffice.”
Stan: “How the hell do you think I feel?”
(Gamblor the Almighty intervenes into the scene through means unknown and introduces Tybalt to the scene)
Tybalt (wielding sword): “What troubles hath thou causeth me now, Oh Almighty Gamblor? Hath I not served thee well with my constant lamentations…and such? (spys the others ogling the diaper section and points his sword in their direction) What enemies hath thou placed in my path to challenge me? Do not make me speaketh in this dialect longer or poketh you with my sword and such related antics!”
(A conflict threatens to break out, but at the last moment Deus Ex Machina the Conveniently Convenient appears brandishing booze and marijuana)
Prof. SP: “Ah! Deus Ex Machina! How convenient of you to appear at this crucial moment!
Deus Ex Machina: “Let’s Party Down!!!” (‘Rock me Amadeus’ then cranks up and the characters all consume substances and engage in frivolous conversation until the curtain falls)
Act I: Scene II
Somewhere in the panhandle of Oklahoma
(The characters have found themselves transported through space as they pass out from the previous night’s intoxications, and now find themselves in a random field in OK. It has yet to be determined whether movement in time has also occurred, or whether these two movements are in fact different. They continue to consume the supplies left from the previous evening while reading definitions from a dictionary. Stan walks around in search of an Arby’s, or at least a gas station currently offering sales of hot dogs for 49 cents, or, even better, two for a dollar)
Professor Shortpants: “Ok, ok, do ‘time’ now.”
Gamblor: “ahem…ok, ‘duration regarded as an aspect of the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity; finite duration.’”
Tybalt: “Huh? What the hell does that mean?”
Prof. SP: “Dude, where’d your accent go?”
Tybalt: “Uh…well…eth…”
Deus Ex Machina: “Uh, it must have been the bending of the space fabric…it uh, changed his…accent…?”
Prof. SP: “That’s good enough for me.”
Gamblor: “This one’s good: ‘One of the three dramatic unities.’”
Prof. SP: “Serious? Ok, do ‘space.’”
Gamblor: “Right…yeah, ‘the unlimited three-dimensional realm or expanse in which all material objects are located and all events occur.’”
Prof. SP: “Good one.”
Tybalt: “This sucks, look up ‘blowjob’.”
Prof SP: “You need a definition for that?”
Tybalt: “C’mon, I’m from the 17th century, give me a break.”
Stan (enters holding two hotdogs): “I can’t help but notice this scene is really going nowhere.”
Prof. SP: “Yeah, you’re right, let’s go work for a playwright with a clue.”
Tybalt: “I’m gonna get a role with full-frontal nudity!”
Stan: “Good for you! You shoot for the ceiling, you hit the…uh, well…”
Deus Ex Machina (interrupting quickly): “Gentlemen, gentlemen, isn’t there something I could do to aid the progression of this play?”
Prof. SP: “Nah, really it’s been done already, here (tosses dictionary to Deus EM), look yourself up!”
Act I: Scene III
(A mysterious individual floats in a limited super-dimensional realm where some material objects are located and very few events occur)
Umbro the Nonexistent: “Man, that dictionary was full of shit.”
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