Man, I got nothing…

I’ve been working on the same story for a month or more now, and each time I pull it up to work on it I complete a paragraph or two, get disgusted with it, and my night rapidly devolves into Hamm’s Premium and Super Mario Bros.  Yes, my maturity level continues to hover somewhere between an 8th grader and every Pauly Shore character ever to hit the silver screen.  Worse yet, the jury’s still out on whether I should consider that a bad thing or a good thing.

So, in the interest of moving forward with this so-called “blorg” and not letting it rot away in the corner like so many hobbies of old (sorry, balloon-animal zoo, but I just couldn’t get that f’n porcupine to work), I’ve decided to simply buy some time by posting a collection of completely non sequitar nonsense blurbs.

Apologies to those who recognize a few from previous “blorg” incarnations, but I needed what we call in the business “filler”.  Let the games begin!

Reasons to blog:

Lack of beer in house, conversely, entertainment when beer supplies are ample

 

As an organizational tool for plotting the conquering of Earth (if only Lex Luther had a blog):  1) Spend many years thinking about conquering the Earth, advantages (big parking spot), disadvantages (higher tax bracket, guerillas); 2)  amass a large amount of personal income through one or more criminal schemes planned alongside my equally clever criminal associates, a la Oceans Eleven (or Oceans Twelve, depending on how many clever criminal associates you can locate through craigslist); 3) Buy large tracts of land in remote area for base of operations, and for large amusement park to pass the time (dont forget Tilt-A-Whirl you fool!); 4) Hire greatest scientific minds of my generation, then create resurrection machine and hire greatest scientific minds of all generations…actually, time machine would be better as it could get future scientific minds as well…no, too cliché, stick with resurrection machine, originality is better than rationality in such take over the world schemes; 5) Have a Dr. Pepper; 6) Write nice email to world letters asking for permission to take over control of the world, if doesn’t work (damn uncooperative Luxembourg) ask again with pretty please and sugar on top, if failure persists see step 7; 7) Create irrational plot using worlds combined pinball games and the power they possess to blackmail world leaders into signing over sovereignty; 8 ) if plot fails, retire to compound and try to beat high score on Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom while enjoying reruns of Crocodile Dundee 3.

 

Much needed break after week long porn search; conversely, porn offers much needed break from week long ”blorg” marathon

 

Distraction from constant wails of poltergeist trapped in hallway closet

 

Means to solicit cheap pinball games

 

Outlet to vent frustration on multiple home projects failing to move forward: perpetual motion machine, alchemy, sequel to the Bible (soon to be a major motion picture), super-hamster genetic line, grape-flavored Tang.

 

Johnny?  What has happened to our love?

 

Distraction leading to future comments by stupefied neighbors: He was always a quiet fellow

 

Podium to preach on the evils of Chow-chows

 

A + W = $

 

Avenue for discussion of my dissertation in progress: Isosceles triangles: how do we harness their power?

 

Screw the “blorg”, remember the Blalamo

Siegfried with Boy

My fears concerning the abominable snowman have never had anything to do with the physical harm he could inflict upon me, but rather my concerns that his views on hip-hop music could drastically change the industry…forever

C’mon Mr. Barker, come clean, Plinko was fuckin’ fixed!

Dog + Catapult = Freedom

Donald Rumsfeld owes me 7 dollars!

If the words coming out of your mouth prevent you from getting sex action, could that be described as “self-blocking of cocking”?

How come everytime Mario and Luigi rescue the princess from a rather immobile dragon, she’s the wrong f’n princess?  Can’t they just skip straight to the real princess?  Or better yet, can’t they take their stereotypical asses somewhere altogether different, like maybe a stint in Grand Theft Auto or perhaps a pornographic game where they can get it on with their incestuous 16-bit selves?

It’s time to reconsider one’s whole direction in life when incest jokes about video game characters cause giggles.  Or bowel movements.

Yeah, that about sums it up these days, as my mind searches for punchlines all it can summon are three things: fish, sex, and dwarves.  Separately, each of these subjects holds promise for comedy, but together, well, let’s just say that good taste wins out, and I draw the line at bowel movements.

Consider this “blorg” entry, mercifully, finished.